Lately, I feel like Oprah

Except that i'm white and not a millionaire. No, I don't mean that i'm having some sort of identity crisis, I mean that lately I've been so self-aware and revelatory that it's a bit scary! I've identified the root of my fear of being skinny (loss of identity), and i've talked to alot of people that have said i've inspired them to lose weight.

This morning I took the commuter rail that I rode every day and night for three years when I lived in Rhode Island because I was coming home (to Boston) from visiting. I used to ride with the same people day in and day out. I haven't ridden much since I moved, and I haven't seen most people since the beginning of the summer, before my weight loss journey started.

Well, I was all dolled up for work this morning- black skirt, silk top, stilettos, pearls, and perfect makeup. I'd like to think I looked pretty hot. Yeah, call me conceited, but when you spend years as the fat girl you should be able to say that without feeling guilty at least a few times. Anyway, I sat down in an open seat. A few stops later these three women got on the train and stood in front of me. I rode the train with all of them for three years and we all rode in the same car together. I know who they are and they've definitely seen me MANY times. well, I was sitting in my seat listening to my iPod and they were standing in front of me. I noticed that one of them was looking at me and whispering. When I looked up and at them I lipread one of them saying something about weight. That's when I knew they were talking about me. So they see me looking and one of them goes, "Excuse me, did you lose a TON of weight?" and I just sort of was like, "um...closing in on 50 pounds..." So she says, "Holy Cow! I thought you looked familiar, but I didn't recognize you...then it hit me!" Then all of the people around us were like, "You look fantastic!"

This was very flattering, but at the same time I couldn't help but think, "oh, boy, what did they think of me before?!?" LOL. It's a stupid thing to think, but I just couldn't help it. It did feel great to know that everyone's noticing. The other thing that resonated with me was her saying that she didn't even recognize me. That really shook me up. In a way, I love it and in a way it's scary. I should've expected that, though. I sometimes don't recognize myself anymore.

So, I had a terrific weekend, but one thing stands out in my mind. I was running on the bike path yesterday in my hometown and I was listening to my iPod, which I had set to random so that it stayed interesting. Well, I was on mile 3 and "The Reason" by Hoobastank came on. I always thought this was a really catchy song and I was humming and singing along.

This is the chorus:
"I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you."
- Music and lyrics by Hoobastank

Anyone know what's wrong with this? No? Well, to be perfectly honest, this is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. I am changing alot of who I used to be, I've recently moved and started over new and you know what? The reason was ME. I tried to lose weight and make changes, but I always did it for other people, for the wrong reason. The only person you should EVER change for is yourself because at the end of the day, when all is said and done- You are the only one who really and truly has to live with you.

Now, I guess this song is supposed to be romantic and charming and idealistic, but even in relationships that is such a load of crap. You shouldn't change yourself for anyone. I've spent years trying to behave and mold myself into something that I thought men would like and I tried way too hard. The ones that did get close I shoved away because I wasn't comfortable with MYSELF. I wish I could have seen that the problem didn't mean that I needed to change myself fundamentally. I just needed to learn that there was nothing wrong with being me and being comfortable with that. I should have just been myself. It would have been a helluva lot easier.

I'm definitely going to try that when I see a certain someone again. December's only a few months away. I think he'll be surprised. He hasn't seen me since I left him last at my highest weight EVER in May. He's never seen me thin. Ever. And you know what? I think he liked me anyway. His stalker brother, "G (name not given to protect the idiotic)", who i've mentioned before, had a heart attack when I revealed myself to him, so i'm thinking i'll get a good reaction out of "K (name not given to protect the innocent)", too. :::sigh::: I've really gotten myself into a mess with this one. Thank goodness i've gotten back into control of my life. I'm going to get control of this situation back, too. :)

Yeah, and you, mistaken reader, thought there was going to be no drama in this blog.

Five pounds closer to "what now?- ville"

So, today I had a killer day at work. Everyone wants a piece of me, despite the fact that there's only one of me (and 44 pounds less) of me to go around. Here's a pop quiz:

Today I felt
a.) like a hamster on a wheel
or
b.) Like I was on the treadmill from hell that wouldn't stop to let me off
or
c.) both.

The answer, of course, is C- both. Congratulations. If you guessed correctly you win my utmost admiration at your deductive skills. Oh, what's that? You want cash? Who am I, Bob Barker??? Keep dreaming.

I disgress. I finally left work a half hour late after an end- of- the- day heroic feat that undoubtedly puts me forever in the good graces of the Finance department without having to kiss some serious ass, which I never do. Not too bad for a day's work. Well, that would not have been bad if that was the only thing I had to do today. It wasn't. Trust me.

When I finally left I went to my weigh in and meeting, where I always get super nervous. The scale is a very scary mode of torture, as far as i'm concerned. I am not sure why. Probably stems back to when my disgustingly skinny mother commented, "Oh, look. You weigh more than I do," at a doctor's appointment when I was a teenager. Anyway, I've never lost less than 1.8 pounds in a week. Turns out this week was no exception. Down another 5.4 pounds, which brings my total loss to 44.4. It's amazing, but sort of surreal. It just doesn't seem real to me. I keep thinking i'm still fat.

This morning I was on the subway (we call it the T here in Boston)going to work and as usual it was extremely crowded(oh, and I must say that I amused the collective crowd when, in my half-asleep stupor, I tried to swipe my ATM card instead of my T pass when I got on. :::sigh::: only me.). I always dreaded having to get off the train and having to say excuse me while trying to squeeze myself into as small a person as I could in order to get by people just to exit the train. I'd be smooshing people as I bulldozed my way through the dense crowd. Most mornings it's like being the middle sardine in a whole tin can of them.

Well, this morning I had to get by some people and even though they moved as much as they could I found myself thinking, "darnit! i'm never going to fit through there." Not only did I fit through, I didn't brush up against a single one and I didn't have to walk sideways. See what I mean? Even though i'm not anymore, I still think i'm colossal!

Which brings me to the title of my post. I get increasingly excited as I lose more and more, but at the same time, I have this anxiety. What will I look like as a thin person? Will I be attractive? What do I do with myself? Will things be all that different? What will it be like to be thin? Some of these things I am slowly figuring out, but most of them I won't know until I reach my goal. It's basically a waiting game. I was never the most patient person in the world. Or even in the room.

Oh, and before I forget, a special shoutout to Cait!!! I heart you! ;)

:::sigh::: If only I lived an exciting life like Carrie Bradshaw or Bridget Jones- then maybe i'd have entertaining tales of "shagging" and maybe i'd have my own "Mr. Big." Ahhhh...someday, Jenny. Someday. For now, I'll have to settle for my own little incidents. Maybe soon the "incidents" will escalate into "escapades" and before I know it i'll be writing of tawdry affairs in the backs of cabs...Right. Anyone who knows me that is reading this is undoubtedly doubled over with laughter at this point. Ok, ok. Maybe not a cab, but probably on a train... But that's a tale for another day. I'm spent.

chuck norris I am not

First of all, who the HECK listens to ABBA? Well, apparently, I do. Don't judge me. Everyone has something. I bet lots of people have the "Backstreet Boys" or "O Town" or something equally as revolting (sorry if i've offended you.).

Second, lest you be completely confused by the random mention of Chuck Norris, i'd like to only partially confuse you and set up a little metaphor here. On October 8th I will be running in the Boston Athletic Association's half marathon. Yep, that's right. I've paid my forty-five buck entrance fee, and if you type in my name under the "search athlete" box, my name comes up (You'll have to trust me on this, since you're not getting my full name. ). I'm getting that damn participation t-shirt! I really want to have at least have one t-shirt other than my college varsity v-ball one (that is now too big) that I can wear to the gym with my Harvard University pants. This way they'll not only think i'm super smaaht, they'll also think i'm wicked athletic (that's a pseudo-Boston accent i'm trying out). I kid, I kid. But I really do want that t-shirt. And, to be fair, I am quite athletic. I was a dancer and figure skater, played softball for seven years, and I also played Varsity volleyball in College. So HA!

In all seriousness, I signed up for this with my uncle and a co-worker and it means alot to me to finish this, even if I have to walk some of it. I guess it's symbolic of how much of a change i've undergone and what a fresh start i've gotten in my life. I really haven't been running for very long- maybe two months at the most. This is where the metaphor comes in. WHAT THE HELL WAS/AM I THINKING??!?!?!?!? Most people would start off with a 5k and then a 10k, and then maybe a half marathon. I just went straight to the big leagues. I must be crazy. I might as well go fight Chuck Norris with a karate white belt (I think that's the one you get with the uniform). I'll give it to you straight- I am terrified. I know I will finish. Even if I have to walk half of it- I am finishing this thing. I've come so far that there is no turning back now, even if I have to crawl across that finish line, i'll be there. I'll be the one wearing the Harvard pants.

On another interesting note. I had a meeting at work today and this guy that I used to secretly admire (i.e. think was smoking hot) was checking me out throughout the whole thing(appropriate, eh?). Let me just say that he didn't pay me one iota of attention until he saw me today, forty pounds lighter, and when he did talk to me pre weightloss, he was a total jerk. I guess I was flattered (more like really satisfied), but frankly, how shallow is he? He's going to pay attention to me NOW??? Well, you know what? No thanks. If you could discriminate against me because I was fat, then i'll discriminate against you, shorty.

This isn't the only guy that i've surprised these past couple of weeks. I'd like to send a special shout-out to an old stalker of mine that I gave a heart attack to last Tuesday. (Thanks for that one, G. It was pretty sweet to see ME freak YOU out for a change. ) I hadn't seen him in months and when I randomly showed up and ran into him, he stopped dead in his tracks, his jaw literally dropped and he stood there, rooted to the spot, unable to move as he stared at me in complete disbelief. Pretty darn satisfying, I must say. I like being in the driver's seat. I think i'll stay here...

Hmmm...you know what I've just realized? All of my posts make me sound like a man hater. I'd just like to say that I adore the opposite sex(one guy in particular). I love almost everything about them- the way they feel, the way they smell, their voices, their personalities, how different they are from me, and so much more. There are many men who have been wonderful to me no matter how big I got and to them, I will always be extremely grateful. I will say that I think that my view of what I am looking for in a guy has changed. I always thought that when I "got skinny" i'd go for the hottest guy that I could find and that would have me. Now I KNOW that the guy I go for is going to know that there are MUCH more important things in life.

If the guy happens to be hot, so be it ;) Hey, let me have my fun!

why won't my software download??!?!

I just love(imagine that word laced with sarcasm) how certain websites make it extremely pesky to download their software. Seems pretty detrimental in the grand scheme of themes. Grrrrr... For some reason, I am horribly technologically deficient today. Not sure why. I think i'm just in a fog.

I got a call this morning that my dad was in the hospital at around 6:45, and instead of just telling me that he was fine my grandfather strung me along until 8:30, telling me that he'd have to call me back no less then four times. Finally, at 8:30 he says that he's fine and that he's been in the hospital since FRIDAY. Wtf?! Thanks for letting me know in a timely manner. Really. I appreciate it.

So, I was late to work. Really late. Well, earlier than I would have been had my uncle not seen me walking to the T and driven me to work. But still. And I had a headache, which only got progressively worse as the day went on. Fabulous. I ended up going home a skosh early because my boss (who is, by the way, the world's best boss.) knew I wasn't feeling well and I couldn't focus, anyway.

Today was a really weird day overall and since I feel like crap, I really want to just go to bed, close my eyes, and have it be morning really soon. It's just that sort of day. But will that actually happen? Um. No. I have to workout.

The only good part about today was the fact that... ::::drumroll:::: I wore a gorgeous outfit to work that I had bought last fall and had never even worn because it was waaay too small. Looked pretty damn good today, I must say.

How did I rediscover this treasure? Well, what happened was that I shoved tons of clothes that didn't fit into the bins with my winter clothes, thinking I would just deal with them later. I was a big fan of denial in those days. Thankfully, I guess my idiocy in buying terrific clothes that didn't fit me turned out (strictly by a miracle, that is)to be a stroke of genius because I have a brand new wardrobe. The scary thing? It probably won't fit me all that much longer. It's terrifying for me to picture myself getting even thinner because, well, I've never actually really been much thinner than this, even when I was dancing and ice skating in high school. I have never seen myself as a thin adult. Ever.

As I sit here typing in my now baggy favorite sweatshirt, I find myself wondering how much of my identity has been wrapped up in my weight, especially since I seem to be undergoing alot of psychological changes throughout this process. I think my attitude is changing- towards myself, and also towards the world. I'm not so intent on keeping everyone away.

I am, however, still pretty pissed off at the world for keeping me out when I was fat. What the hell? It's true what they say, I don't care who says otherwise. If you are a fat girl, particularly my age, the only way to fit in is to either be the life of the party (loud, funny, obnoxious) or to slink off into a corner by yourself. I've done both and neither was particularly satisfying. So now that i'm not the fat girl anymore where does that leave me? Can I be myself now??

I don't think i've quite got the hang of this yet...

Once I hit the teenage years, I was heavy. I think that my lowest clothing size in high school was a size ten. I only got worse when I got to college and escalated from there until I find myself obese, miserable, and completely unable to fit into the VAST majority of clothing that I had accumulated while mentally attaching the phrase, "after I lose just a little weight," to the end of the sentence, "I'll definitely wear this!" I have since affectionately dubbed it my, "just ten more pounds" collection.

It wasn't until my aunt, who I am very close to, finally said, "let's do something about this," that I collapsed with relief. I had just returned from visiting my father who is blind and deaf and confined to a wheelchair. He's also in kidney failure. All of his health problems are either directly correlated to his diabetes or else exacerbated my them. I didn't want to end up like that, but I was so hopeless that I didn't know how to reach out for help. Thank God she spoke up when she did. I firmly believe that she played a very active part in saving my life. The way I was going, I would've hit 250 pounds before January of 2007 quite easily.

It's been about three months since I started doing weight watchers Core (NOT the points plan-gah!)plan and I am convinced that it has saved my life. So far i'm down 39 pounds as of today (I know, I should be able to round up and say 40, but that's just cheating and how I got into this mess in the first place!), and I have to say that it feels really really good, but really weird. I got so used to living as a fat person that I didn't realize how different it was going to be just being "normal."

As you may or may not know, whether or not YOU think you are normal is completely irrelevant in this world. The second you step out of your front door, the world comes rushing in and if you aren't careful, it can crush you. I think that's what I had let it do. I didn't have confidence or self-esteem. I'm starting to get that back little by little and now i'm left with the fact that while I may be the same person- same sense of humor, same personality, same "crazy" factor...the world doesn't see me that way. When you're fat, you don't exist. You may as well be Patrick Swayze in Ghost. I am- quite rapidly- becoming thinner and frankly, I am not so sure how to handle some of the attention i'm getting now.

1. From men: You ignored me forty pounds ago, why pay attention to me now? Part of me is flattered, but part of me says, "You've got the wrong girl, buddy. Do I have food on my face?" Worse still, is the bad-ass part of me that says, "Screw you. I was too good for you then and i'm too good for you now."
2. From salespeople: When I was fat, if I went into a store, particularly a clothing store, I often got looks of disgust or incredulity- a sort of "what is she doing in here?" It was at a point where just browsing at clothes made me anxious. It felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking, "why bother?" Only now do salespeople genuinely seem to want to help me, rather than offering the obligatory, "Can I help you?" they now make suggestions of what I should try on. What the heck?!?
3. From jealous and possessive women with their boyfriends giving me dirty looks: Don't worry. If he's as shallow as you must be, he won't want me once I tell him I was obese.
4. Miscellaneous: This is a virtual smorgasboard of people that suddenly decided to treat me differently.

These aren't the only changes I have to get used to. I still think of myself as the fat girl. It's a job I was very good at. I put in years of practice. I was the quintessential fat friend, fat daughter, fat niece, fat dining patron, fat cousin, fat sister, fat everything. Sometimes I don't recognize my own face anymore. I caught my reflection in a store window the other day while I was wearing sunglasses and I thought to myself, "Who's that?" I still feel like there are rolls and bulges where there aren't any, and I find myself constantly self-conscious, particularly as I wear smaller clothes that I couldn't dream of fitting into just three short months ago.

I have a long way to go, but I really hope that I adapt. Shrink thirty more pounds (and to everyone who tells me that's too much- shutup. I know my body and i'll stop where I feel is healthy and appropriate.) and adapt. I guess that's my new motto.