I don't think i've quite got the hang of this yet...

Once I hit the teenage years, I was heavy. I think that my lowest clothing size in high school was a size ten. I only got worse when I got to college and escalated from there until I find myself obese, miserable, and completely unable to fit into the VAST majority of clothing that I had accumulated while mentally attaching the phrase, "after I lose just a little weight," to the end of the sentence, "I'll definitely wear this!" I have since affectionately dubbed it my, "just ten more pounds" collection.

It wasn't until my aunt, who I am very close to, finally said, "let's do something about this," that I collapsed with relief. I had just returned from visiting my father who is blind and deaf and confined to a wheelchair. He's also in kidney failure. All of his health problems are either directly correlated to his diabetes or else exacerbated my them. I didn't want to end up like that, but I was so hopeless that I didn't know how to reach out for help. Thank God she spoke up when she did. I firmly believe that she played a very active part in saving my life. The way I was going, I would've hit 250 pounds before January of 2007 quite easily.

It's been about three months since I started doing weight watchers Core (NOT the points plan-gah!)plan and I am convinced that it has saved my life. So far i'm down 39 pounds as of today (I know, I should be able to round up and say 40, but that's just cheating and how I got into this mess in the first place!), and I have to say that it feels really really good, but really weird. I got so used to living as a fat person that I didn't realize how different it was going to be just being "normal."

As you may or may not know, whether or not YOU think you are normal is completely irrelevant in this world. The second you step out of your front door, the world comes rushing in and if you aren't careful, it can crush you. I think that's what I had let it do. I didn't have confidence or self-esteem. I'm starting to get that back little by little and now i'm left with the fact that while I may be the same person- same sense of humor, same personality, same "crazy" factor...the world doesn't see me that way. When you're fat, you don't exist. You may as well be Patrick Swayze in Ghost. I am- quite rapidly- becoming thinner and frankly, I am not so sure how to handle some of the attention i'm getting now.

1. From men: You ignored me forty pounds ago, why pay attention to me now? Part of me is flattered, but part of me says, "You've got the wrong girl, buddy. Do I have food on my face?" Worse still, is the bad-ass part of me that says, "Screw you. I was too good for you then and i'm too good for you now."
2. From salespeople: When I was fat, if I went into a store, particularly a clothing store, I often got looks of disgust or incredulity- a sort of "what is she doing in here?" It was at a point where just browsing at clothes made me anxious. It felt like everyone was looking at me and thinking, "why bother?" Only now do salespeople genuinely seem to want to help me, rather than offering the obligatory, "Can I help you?" they now make suggestions of what I should try on. What the heck?!?
3. From jealous and possessive women with their boyfriends giving me dirty looks: Don't worry. If he's as shallow as you must be, he won't want me once I tell him I was obese.
4. Miscellaneous: This is a virtual smorgasboard of people that suddenly decided to treat me differently.

These aren't the only changes I have to get used to. I still think of myself as the fat girl. It's a job I was very good at. I put in years of practice. I was the quintessential fat friend, fat daughter, fat niece, fat dining patron, fat cousin, fat sister, fat everything. Sometimes I don't recognize my own face anymore. I caught my reflection in a store window the other day while I was wearing sunglasses and I thought to myself, "Who's that?" I still feel like there are rolls and bulges where there aren't any, and I find myself constantly self-conscious, particularly as I wear smaller clothes that I couldn't dream of fitting into just three short months ago.

I have a long way to go, but I really hope that I adapt. Shrink thirty more pounds (and to everyone who tells me that's too much- shutup. I know my body and i'll stop where I feel is healthy and appropriate.) and adapt. I guess that's my new motto.