Five pounds closer to "what now?- ville"

So, today I had a killer day at work. Everyone wants a piece of me, despite the fact that there's only one of me (and 44 pounds less) of me to go around. Here's a pop quiz:

Today I felt
a.) like a hamster on a wheel
or
b.) Like I was on the treadmill from hell that wouldn't stop to let me off
or
c.) both.

The answer, of course, is C- both. Congratulations. If you guessed correctly you win my utmost admiration at your deductive skills. Oh, what's that? You want cash? Who am I, Bob Barker??? Keep dreaming.

I disgress. I finally left work a half hour late after an end- of- the- day heroic feat that undoubtedly puts me forever in the good graces of the Finance department without having to kiss some serious ass, which I never do. Not too bad for a day's work. Well, that would not have been bad if that was the only thing I had to do today. It wasn't. Trust me.

When I finally left I went to my weigh in and meeting, where I always get super nervous. The scale is a very scary mode of torture, as far as i'm concerned. I am not sure why. Probably stems back to when my disgustingly skinny mother commented, "Oh, look. You weigh more than I do," at a doctor's appointment when I was a teenager. Anyway, I've never lost less than 1.8 pounds in a week. Turns out this week was no exception. Down another 5.4 pounds, which brings my total loss to 44.4. It's amazing, but sort of surreal. It just doesn't seem real to me. I keep thinking i'm still fat.

This morning I was on the subway (we call it the T here in Boston)going to work and as usual it was extremely crowded(oh, and I must say that I amused the collective crowd when, in my half-asleep stupor, I tried to swipe my ATM card instead of my T pass when I got on. :::sigh::: only me.). I always dreaded having to get off the train and having to say excuse me while trying to squeeze myself into as small a person as I could in order to get by people just to exit the train. I'd be smooshing people as I bulldozed my way through the dense crowd. Most mornings it's like being the middle sardine in a whole tin can of them.

Well, this morning I had to get by some people and even though they moved as much as they could I found myself thinking, "darnit! i'm never going to fit through there." Not only did I fit through, I didn't brush up against a single one and I didn't have to walk sideways. See what I mean? Even though i'm not anymore, I still think i'm colossal!

Which brings me to the title of my post. I get increasingly excited as I lose more and more, but at the same time, I have this anxiety. What will I look like as a thin person? Will I be attractive? What do I do with myself? Will things be all that different? What will it be like to be thin? Some of these things I am slowly figuring out, but most of them I won't know until I reach my goal. It's basically a waiting game. I was never the most patient person in the world. Or even in the room.

Oh, and before I forget, a special shoutout to Cait!!! I heart you! ;)

:::sigh::: If only I lived an exciting life like Carrie Bradshaw or Bridget Jones- then maybe i'd have entertaining tales of "shagging" and maybe i'd have my own "Mr. Big." Ahhhh...someday, Jenny. Someday. For now, I'll have to settle for my own little incidents. Maybe soon the "incidents" will escalate into "escapades" and before I know it i'll be writing of tawdry affairs in the backs of cabs...Right. Anyone who knows me that is reading this is undoubtedly doubled over with laughter at this point. Ok, ok. Maybe not a cab, but probably on a train... But that's a tale for another day. I'm spent.