Lately, I feel like Oprah

Except that i'm white and not a millionaire. No, I don't mean that i'm having some sort of identity crisis, I mean that lately I've been so self-aware and revelatory that it's a bit scary! I've identified the root of my fear of being skinny (loss of identity), and i've talked to alot of people that have said i've inspired them to lose weight.

This morning I took the commuter rail that I rode every day and night for three years when I lived in Rhode Island because I was coming home (to Boston) from visiting. I used to ride with the same people day in and day out. I haven't ridden much since I moved, and I haven't seen most people since the beginning of the summer, before my weight loss journey started.

Well, I was all dolled up for work this morning- black skirt, silk top, stilettos, pearls, and perfect makeup. I'd like to think I looked pretty hot. Yeah, call me conceited, but when you spend years as the fat girl you should be able to say that without feeling guilty at least a few times. Anyway, I sat down in an open seat. A few stops later these three women got on the train and stood in front of me. I rode the train with all of them for three years and we all rode in the same car together. I know who they are and they've definitely seen me MANY times. well, I was sitting in my seat listening to my iPod and they were standing in front of me. I noticed that one of them was looking at me and whispering. When I looked up and at them I lipread one of them saying something about weight. That's when I knew they were talking about me. So they see me looking and one of them goes, "Excuse me, did you lose a TON of weight?" and I just sort of was like, "um...closing in on 50 pounds..." So she says, "Holy Cow! I thought you looked familiar, but I didn't recognize you...then it hit me!" Then all of the people around us were like, "You look fantastic!"

This was very flattering, but at the same time I couldn't help but think, "oh, boy, what did they think of me before?!?" LOL. It's a stupid thing to think, but I just couldn't help it. It did feel great to know that everyone's noticing. The other thing that resonated with me was her saying that she didn't even recognize me. That really shook me up. In a way, I love it and in a way it's scary. I should've expected that, though. I sometimes don't recognize myself anymore.

So, I had a terrific weekend, but one thing stands out in my mind. I was running on the bike path yesterday in my hometown and I was listening to my iPod, which I had set to random so that it stayed interesting. Well, I was on mile 3 and "The Reason" by Hoobastank came on. I always thought this was a really catchy song and I was humming and singing along.

This is the chorus:
"I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
And the reason is you."
- Music and lyrics by Hoobastank

Anyone know what's wrong with this? No? Well, to be perfectly honest, this is the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard. I am changing alot of who I used to be, I've recently moved and started over new and you know what? The reason was ME. I tried to lose weight and make changes, but I always did it for other people, for the wrong reason. The only person you should EVER change for is yourself because at the end of the day, when all is said and done- You are the only one who really and truly has to live with you.

Now, I guess this song is supposed to be romantic and charming and idealistic, but even in relationships that is such a load of crap. You shouldn't change yourself for anyone. I've spent years trying to behave and mold myself into something that I thought men would like and I tried way too hard. The ones that did get close I shoved away because I wasn't comfortable with MYSELF. I wish I could have seen that the problem didn't mean that I needed to change myself fundamentally. I just needed to learn that there was nothing wrong with being me and being comfortable with that. I should have just been myself. It would have been a helluva lot easier.

I'm definitely going to try that when I see a certain someone again. December's only a few months away. I think he'll be surprised. He hasn't seen me since I left him last at my highest weight EVER in May. He's never seen me thin. Ever. And you know what? I think he liked me anyway. His stalker brother, "G (name not given to protect the idiotic)", who i've mentioned before, had a heart attack when I revealed myself to him, so i'm thinking i'll get a good reaction out of "K (name not given to protect the innocent)", too. :::sigh::: I've really gotten myself into a mess with this one. Thank goodness i've gotten back into control of my life. I'm going to get control of this situation back, too. :)

Yeah, and you, mistaken reader, thought there was going to be no drama in this blog.