Sleep? What do you mean by that?

:::::yawn::::: I suspect that my sleep debt as of right now is three times larger than the debt of all the developing African countries put together. I'm tired. Exhausted. Wiped out. If I stop typing in the middle of a sentence and all that you see is something that looks roughly like this: "ahdlfkhalsdihflasidhfak..."then know that it's because I have passed out, my head has hit the keyboard and somehow miraculously subsequently managed to also post the entry...ok, so maybe that won't happen, but never say never!

Ok, let's take this in a different direction now. I noticed that lately people have been really noticing how different I look, or maybe they noticed before but now it's gotten so blatant that they feel they should say something. People are constantly telling me how good I look- and no, I am not getting a big head- but they are ALWAYS sure to add that "it's not that you didn't look good before, of course." I appreciate the compliment, and that's sweet that they were sure to add that, but I always want to add, "Puh-lease. Who are you kidding? I was a heifer." Or even something like, "That's funny. I wish you'd said something before, then."

Would I ever say something like that? Of course not! I am way too nice and I know that people mean well. Still, it strikes me how sensitive this topic actually is and how much people tiptoe around it when it's the obvious elephant in the room- pun intended. A staggering percentage of adults and children in this country are obese- not just overweight- obese. Everyone is fat. It's time to speak frankly about it and do something before it's too late.

It's not just about appearance- which I believe is what has people so anxious about bringing it up. It's also about health and living longer. Yes, when my family brought this up to me I was resentful. How could I not be? It's like living with a bunch of Twiggies! I know now that they were genuinely frightened for my life. They love me and were scared that I wouldn't be around if I kept going the way that I was. I see clearly now that they were absolutely right.

On a different vein and somewhat lighter note, I cleaned out my closet the other day and realized that the vast majority of my clothes either a.) no longer fit, b.)are incredibly stretched out and no longer fit or c.) some combo of the aforementioned. This puts me in a difficult position. I have about 25 more pounds to go, so I will most likely be in a smaller size when I reach my goal, which would mean that the clothes I buy now will be irrelevant.

This creates an even bigger conundrum for me. I am quite stylish, if I may say so. I'm known as the glamour girl of the finance division and I can FINALLY wear the clothes that i've always wanted to wear. The problem? Figuring out what to buy and what to hold off on. Luckily, my cleavage seems to be staying firmly put and as it is generous, I need a medium or a large in tops, and probably always will, so I can get tops- just not bottoms. This is like saying, "You can build the house, you just can't put the roof on!" Frustration!!!

The other night I decided to bite the bullet and went shopping with my grandmother, which is always an interesting experience. My grandmother is absolutely hilarious- she cheats at Scrabble, watches Sex and the City every Wednesday, and will occasionally drop a swear word. She's also one of the sharpest and smartest people I know and taught me more than I could ever even say. I love my grandmother dearly, but we do NOT have a good track record when it comes to shopping together. At all.

I remember when I was a sophomore in high school and we wandered into Express. She took one look around the store, beckoned the salesgirl (who looked about 17) overand proceeded to tell her that it was a terrible store with cheap, sleazy clothes and that she didn't understand why they had sold out and were selling such horrible clothing to children. Oh, I kid you not. I cowered in a corner, secretly lusting after a pair of "sleazy" jeans.

Well, my grandmother offered to take me shopping because goodness knows I need some nice clothes for work. I am happy to report that other than a brief foray into Liz Claiborne (a bit too old for me), and a three minute jaunt into Kasper, we went to some pretty great places and I was able to pick up a few things. Of course, I did hear the obligatory, "You always have to find out what it's made of!" or "You don't really like that, do you?" and my personal favorite, "That's cheesy." But no salesgirls were harmed during the excursion. All in all, a really fun time with someone I love alot. What more could I ask for? Appreciate your families people!!!

Well, i'm off. I am going to attempt to figure out how to add more pictures, so we'll see if I can get them up on my next post, which, hopefully, will not be too long from now. :)

Communing with nature means a rock up my behind

Ahhh...the simple joys of nature. The animals, the changing foliage, the merrily bubbling waterfall cascading over the slippery rocks that could at any minute cause you to trip, smash your head open and die...?

Hmmm...did I mention that hiking makes me incredibly nervous? I love it because you are privy to some truly amazing scenery (it's the one form of exercise I don't mind not having my iPod for.). Honestly, for me, as a giant klutz, for every enjoyable minute, there's one equally as harrowing- like discovering that your butt has lost much of its cushioning and your perch on a rock as you enjoy a refreshing sip of water from a Nalgene bottle is not as comfortable as you originally thought. In fact, it feels like it is getting a little TOO up close and personal with your behind. Ouch. Or that breathtaking moment when you feel your foot start to slip as you step on a log crossing a rushing pool at the bottom of a waterfall. Or that bloodcurdling scream that escapes your mouth as you see a snake winding its way across the path and your mind automatically flashes a scene from Anaconda in front of your eyes.

It's worth it, though. It really is.

The best part? I can hike again and not have to stop to rest because my ankles hurt or I am out of breath. I can run, I can climb rocks, I can jump over logs, and while it's tiring, it's beautiful and amazing.

I'm in New Hampshire for the weekend, which, I must say is quite the departure from the city (I guess this goes without saying, but I still had to say it). I love coming up here to visit and vacation but could I live here year round? No, absolutely not. I would miss the city and all of its charms and quirks. The simple pleasures of walking through the Common and the Public Garden, the buildings with their wonderful architecture and seeming personalities, and how big it all seems. Oh, and i'd miss the people. The hurried, frenzied crowds that squish me on the T, trample each other at the Filene's Basement wedding dress sale, riot about the Red Sox...wait. Why would I miss them? I don't know. I guess we're all in this together. And have I ever told you how fun it is to people watch in the city?

Anyways, I've been thinking alot about what it means to be "normal." What a subjective idea! We are all so different as individuals that I can't even believe that we fool ourselves into thinking that there truly is a set definition of what it means to be "normal," or that so many of us strive for this socially constructed "norm."

Hundreds of years ago, "Rubenesque" women were the desired and sought after shape. Fast forward to today and Kate Moss (who, frankly, I don't see what the hoopla is about) is the desired ideal. I think most of us are smart enough to conclude that her pre-teen boy(or emo band lead singer, if you will)figure is unnatural and NOT the norm for most women in society, but that does not stop women from convincing themselves that it IS the norm and it certainly doesn't stop the media from trying to convince us that it SHOULD be. How DARE they? We'll get angry that the government tries to have control over what we do with our bodies, but we'll sit here and take it when the media does the same thing????????? I just don't get it. :::sigh:::

Oh, and while i'm at it, it makes me SICK when the magazines extoll the virtues of the "curvy woman" or the "bigger woman" and then show pictures of Gisele and Catherine Zeta Jones, both of whom must wear size zero and two respectively. Puh-lease. Get real. It INFURIATES me.

I digress. I think my point is that now that I am not considered "fat" anymore, I tend to get pretty giddy when I think "I'm normal again!" Well, hold the phone. Why wasn't I normal before? Most of the United States is obese. I suppose I was the norm in reference to the obese population, but not the way people WANT the norm to be. How confusing and what a horrible way for me to think of myself. I am still the same person, and that is the concept that I really struggle with.

Oh, yes. I am sure everyone is on pins and needles for the weight loss update, so, I am up to 46.2 pounds shed :) 26 more to go. It seems like just yesterday (i'm cringing at this cliche- sorry)that I had 72 pounds to lose and just a little hope to cling to. I honestly cannot believe how far i've come since then. Everytime I see myself in the mirror or I get on the scale it it still always just a little bit surreal. Oh, yes, and did I mention how fun it is to freak the crap out of people that haven't seen me in a long time??? HA! It's one of the highlights of this weight loss thing ;)

Ok, i'm off to have a bit of breakfast. :)

Oh, and to everyone who wants a before picture, i'm working on it! I tended to steer away from the camera lens in the past, so i'm trying to find a body shot. Patience, my dears.